Time to face the truth, and I did last night:
I do not belong anywhere and I never will.
To return to the UK at any time would have been certain, long, drawn out, tormented, death…but now? “bitter laughter”
My only home and refuge is here in Ireland, but I don’t belong here either. Stick my head above any parapet, cut out the “harmless, fluffy” act and stand up for anything true, just and right and everybody seems to either want me dead or unjustly disgraced , which would be ok if I was sure the reprehensibility was just a side of them I exclusively inspired, but, sadly, I know it is not already. If, by some miracle, none of those in power blocked any application for citizenship, I am still left with the fact that I cannot pledge loyalty to the cruelty and corruption that I have seen with my own eyes, never mind the other stuff I have heard of, or guess at.
People like me should never be born, it is too cruel, we are too alien and we see what we are alien to too clearly. My kid brother is luckier, he didn’t get empathy or a conscience, so he doesn’t care what harm he does to the alien species around him, but I do. I care about justice, I care about truth, I care about consequences to innocents.
I didn’t think ANYTHING could make me itch to fire a missile at a warplane, I now know I was wrong.
I am so desperately lonely but all the pain in the world will not give me a species I can identify with to alleviate that. I can love, but only from a safe distance, my incompatibility does not affect, anything else hurts too much. I can love the doomed as no-one else dares to, but there is no one I could love who would even assign me basic human rights, let alone love me back, unless I pretend to be someone else and what the hell is the point in that?
I am going to drop my social media accounts now. This world is turning into the neo nazi nightmare that used be confined to the final level of “Doom”. I cannot watch any more. I am not the only one, @libyaliberty already shut down. Yesterday I was so sure someone had not made it that I could not even log on without a very stiff drink.
The only way I can bear to think of Syria and Aleppo now is like the final scene from Titanic, where I can walk out on to a landing, young and strong again, look up and see all those familiar faces, alive, healthy and smiling. Maybe that place exists somewhere? On the whole, I think it is best that we all go on believing that it does, don’t you?
I am going to put my head in the sand now, for as long as I have the means to hide here and stay alive. When that is over I will find the decisive courage to let go of a life I would have been better off without in the first place. I do not think Allah has a problem with that when death is inevitable but torture is still avoidable…unless there is someone else you can save first, and for me there isn’t..
You might believe I could save my wonderful and remarkably similar Granddaughter by sticking it out, but, in truth we are too alike, anything I do risks making her fate worse rather than better, and Clover…if I am afraid to know and love you, that is the only reason why…
…and this is a good place to end.
I do not have a clue whether it is “normal” to be a sadistic, amoral and dishonest monster for the approval of a social group, perhaps it is? I just know that it shouldn’t be. I don’t know how to stop it.
If you are thinking of doing anything despicable, just remember I have a bad habit on comebacks and look over your shoulder first, you never know…