I realised I have never actually explained my current position on all of this.
When my address was exposed by Stormont it was quite deliberate, you don’t refuse to delete something that endangers another human being for 12 months unless you have done it quite deliberately.
It wouldn’t cost me a wink of sleep to do the exact same thing to any of them, they are loathsome, corrupt, do a lot of harm to innocents and I could not care less whether they live or die, however, I do respect and abide by the rule of law, as they do not.
Exposing my address was an act of war committed by ruthless, unscrupulous people who would have done a lot worse if they thought they could get away with it. Whatever the damage to me, I accepted that possibility when I took this on. It is not in the frame for personal resentment. I stuffed it all the way I stuff everything, though I did have to break all remaining ties to my so-called “allies”. I am human, their total disregard for my safety that honestly overstepped into being prepared to welcome harm to me left me too personally enraged to deal with any of them again.
A similar attitude from public representatives and relevant NGOs left me cold for life. It is one thing to refrain from supporting someone, but quite another to deliberately leave them in harm’s way, and the latter is what actually happened.
However, a case precedent that came out of the blue in February 2015 meant that the whole issue could have been used to bring down clause 15 before it was enacted.
It shocked me to the core to see THAT buried as thoroughly as my endangerment. I have sat in the same room with these same people from time to time, but it has cost me all I have to do so. I knew my “allies” I would have been deeply surprised if any one of them would lift a finger to save me, but to sacrifice the cause they affect to support? That was another matter altogether.
When something like that happens you are compelled to try and understand why, and the only explanation I can come up with it that the decriminalisation and protection of sex workers is very much a secondary consideration to each and every one of them. After which it is only natural to try and work out the primary consideration.
I have pieced together quite a lot of the background facts, sufface to say these are not nice, altruistic people, in fact they are (often in individual as well as organisational terms) as ruthless, self serving and exclusionist as Ruhama and Turn Off the Red Light, and, on close examination remarkably similar.
The only difference is that they are currently promoting a less despicable agenda, just as Ruhama did in 1993. Think that is far fetched? Ruhama were “tireless fighters for decriminalisation” in 1993, horrified by the third offence possibility of prison written into the 1993 act…in 2016 they are DEMANDING legislation that includes 6 month 1st offence jail. THAT is far fetched, but it is happening.
I expected this issue to take a terrible toll on me. What it has done is finally destroy what little capacity I had for interaction with people at all. There is no way to personally heal from the multilateral experience of people sitting back and hoping someone would harm you, or worse, and not because you have done any wrong, rather because you have refused to sell out the truth or play along with corrupt agenda (NB I severed all ties, I did not openly oppose, just like Ruhama in 1993 when they spread rumours aimed at getting me seriously harmed, or worse – is there a pattern here?).
After this I do not even feel as if I have a species, let alone a group identity!
I finally realise that PTSD is not just about the breakdown of core denials, but also about having to much self evident proof of how little anyone cares about anyone else when it gets to the wire. PTSD is about learning from experience that, far from protecting you “they” can be counted upon to stand back and watch you (or anyone else) die.
I know that however much danger I am in, now or in the future, there is no point wasting my time going to elected representatives, civil society, people I have known 20 years, people who claim to be friends now. Such family as I have are so appalling I have needed protecting *FROM* them since I was a child.
That is saturation alienation.