Let Me Tell You About My Life…

…while I still can.

I am going to quote you some private messages that are too heavy to leave on one person:

Basically I stood up to Turn Off the Red Light and have refused to stand down, I also have a LOAD of ammunition and know how to use it. So what they expected to be a walkthrough to power and funding has become a major battle that they may just lose. I didn’t do all of that by any means, but without me it would never have happened.

So now they, and all political allies are trying to silence/discredit/ whatever me…it took so long because their bigotry is that genuine, and it has gone a long way further than Ireland because the higher they push Moran the bigger the threat I am to their whole nasty little industry. They know perfectly well I have been telling the truth all along. What they cannot wrap their heads round is the way that a conscience can make it impossible for someone like me to cave in to pressure, so they will keep pushing now. It isn’t about exposing me any more, it’s about stitching me up.

Also, as UK citizen, if Brexit goes through I may lose right to reside here, I am even more likely to lose the benefits I am dependent upon – for real, I am very severely disabled between several things, I can’t function near people at all, and it’s getting worse. I can’t handle a lot of simple, everyday things.

I survived by withdrawing and hiding up here in the middle of nowhere for nearly 30 years. I visit no-one, no-one comes here…except my Uncle…I couldn’t handle it. That way when I have to deal with people I can put on a really good show of normality and anything else the situation calls for.

The UK system has no way to accommodate someone like me at best, and I wouldn’t even want to survive to do nothing but grieve for the world I created here.

I haven’t a hope of citizenship with two ministers  out to stitch me up any way they can. There can be no friends or lovers to look forward to, I couldn’t handle it, the family is a nightmare I have to exclude from my life. It’s going so far now it will be a miracle if they don’t finish me. The X factor being that there is no way they can handle the idea of someone so strong and smart being so vulnerable.

They intend to force me into compliance, what they will actually do is destroy me completely. It already came very close over Stormont having my address. That’s just the way it is and always was.

I depend on disability allowance to survive…not something I have ever been comfortable with…

…but only since 2001, before that I did 18 hour days and 7 day weeks at soft furnishings, then computers so I could overcome my “networking” difficulties with undercutting everyone…I couldn’t do it again, the last time broke my physical health and I didn’t get younger since.

BTW I did ask Ruhama for assistance, several times, either “that wasn’t the sort of thing they did – would I like an adult literacy course instead?” or they just never got back to me, even about whether I was entitled to benefits at all.

I would always have been the bravest person in this whole issue except for the fact that my own conscience scares more hoolies out of me than anything else which makes me the biggest coward.

I haven’t had a prayer since 1970. The fact that I am still alive is down to sky high IQ alone…even a day in prison would kill me, I might last a week in a hospital but only as long as I knew I had my home to go back to…I don’t want anyone else in any equivalent position screwed over in all the ways I have been so I use the surplus IQ to take on the devil and hold him to a draw from time to time.

Even getting GP was almost impossible, no one would help me so I got women I knew on internet in Australia to find me GP through Irish music groups, I was seriously ill with lungs at time…

It was one of the many things Ruhama (and, by then, it nearly choked me to even dial their number after all they put me through) “do not do”. Impending homelessness and special needs was another…not even a suggestion who I could call…

All the Uglymugsis/SwaiIreland/LauraLee crowd knew this when they were rubbing their hands with glee when Stormont hung my address out to dry…and Stormont did quite a background check through xxxxxxx and knew too…these are grad rockets the bastards throw at me and they know it.

…they knew my circumstances all along…exposing my address was committed to do serious harm, as was “Reality Bites” there is a lot of money and power at stake.

I am not on the same side as SWAI … you have no idea how sick and poisonous the games in this issue are…both sides rotten to the core.

SWAI are also the new Ruhama, their primary objective is to block self advocacy.

Look closely, there are always huge parallels between their token Sex Workers and Ruhama’s token Survivors. They are all self serving, addicted to attention and just a little too “odd” or “off” for ordinary people to identify with independent of the mediation of the relevant NGO. That is not self advocacy, it is a way of ensuring against self advocacy. I invite you to spot similar examples in other NGOs and issues.

I have been treated equally badly by BOTH sides who are hand in hand as often as not…it’s all a game of power, status and funding. EI will make fortune out of Swedish model so they have been deliberately throwing the fight all along.

After the law they will be found junketing together, Ruhama rose to power on OPPOSING criminalisation in 1993.

Now they advocate and insist upon it.

Nothing is what it seems and both sides want control of the ordinary sex workers, …the only person speaking for the reality all along was me. I literally had to THREATEN … so the further criminalisation of street workers wasn’t let through without a murmur.

I have been put through hell by BOTH sides. I have no allies at all.

This isn’t a somewhat heated game of bent NGOs, it more like dealing with the Mafia. I wouldn’t ask anyone to even believe some of the far fetched stuff that has been thrown at me…

I have absolutely no line of contact with SWAI etc since 2013 (if we are in same room, as we have been twice, we do not speak) and every one of them wanted me to come to harm as badly as Stormont did…you have no idea how much damage the whole thing has done to me inside…I try not to let it show, even to myself.

The reason I am seen as such a threat is because I cannot be bought, intimidated, seduced (it’s been tried) or controlled and used in any way, and I am very good at what I do

I am in the enviable position of having seen both sides for who and what they really are, and knowing where at least half “the bodies are buried”. I have just gone on trying to hold it all as close to truth and justice as I could, at least I stopped the streetworkers been thrown under the bus…

Syria is my therapy…we are all in same boat, if in different ways, so I feel normal

Also when I see what happens in Aleppo I don’t feel I have right to lose my mind

…as long as the people there can hang on to theirs…

But it is, ultimately, a lost cause, along with my own life. At best you can force compromises that limit the damage to the designated target group, utopia is never going to happen.

People like me, the idealists, usually have to hide to stay alive, simply because we spoil the corruption for everyone else, and because, at least in my case, we see clean through all the denial and illusions that get other people through life unscarred.

There is no such thing as justice, no “payback time” and “help and support” are only allocated to those who lie or play the system for them.

I REALLY lived the life all these abolitionist orgs claim they are fighting to protect people from. I lived it in spades and I live it still. Don’t you think it a little odd that none of them, or their allies, have ever even pretended the slightest concern for me? Even when my life was deliberately placed in danger?

The bald truth is that the ultimate moral bankruptcy of the system itself at least shares responsibility for the most damaged and vulnerable people in society, and the system is only interested in finding and/or manufacturing bogeymen outside itself to pin that blame upon.

When I got out of sex work I was in far better shape than I am today. I was 35, I could still stand to be around people far more than today. I wasn’t totally dependent on being able to isolate as I have eventually become. It wouldn’t have taken a lot of the RIGHT help for me to overcome enough to build a career I could tolerate (apart from my inability to interact, intellectual boredom is a form of torture to someone of my intelligence, and other people are unable to accept someone like me too far below their perception of my “place”.), but there was NO SUCH THING as “the right help”. Ruhama had hard sold the idea of “people like me” as educationally subnormal sexually abused kids who never grew up. The “help” available on those terms would not only have been deeply harmful to me, it eventually alienated me completely.

I could have done what other people do and kept that aspect of my life to myself, but I am autistic and telling lies, let alone living them is impossible to me, besides it’s hard enough to communicate everything I am and everything that has damaged me so badly without having to edit 6 years out as well.

For some, even most people, sex work, or any work, is only part of their life, and potentially interchangable, but for me those 6 years were all about going out to work, coming home to isolate, recovering from work and going out to work again, not because it was sex work but because I had to interact.

(Pretending selling sex was traumatising me wouldn’t exactly help me find ways to deal with the reality that for the 27 years before and the 25 years after I sold sex any form of interaction traumatises me exactly the same way now would it? See how “the wrong help” harms people now? There are other variations. I knew two women who were driven to drink and an empty non life by the fact that the babies they gave birth to were stolen from them while they were told the baby had died. The sex work came later. Telling them sex work made them drink would have just messed them up a little bit more, though, of course, it would have suited the Magdalene orders remarkably well.)

I spent 26 years of my life devastated and raging that there was literally no help to either avoid sex work or get out of it to a real life (I tried to find both, constantly). Ruhama existed for 24 of those years, never mind not improving that, they made it far worse, partly by deliberately blocking any initiative that might give a woman leaving sex work a shot at a real job with real, livable wages, and partly by creating the fiction of the “years” it takes to arrive at a decision to leave sex work (to justify protracted funding) meanwhile campaigning for legislation to make those years as difficult and dangerous as possible. I am not prepared to buy into the idea of more than one or two politicians being stupid enough to buy into that impossible anomaly of agenda. They know as well as I do that it is cruel and dangerous nonsense, and they couldn’t care less how much harm that does as long as it buys votes.

It is a topic that, without fail, shows politicians and civil society up for exactly what it is, and that truth is far from pretty and applies without inhibition to any other issue you can name. What they cannot force through on mutual backscratching and inducement they bully and intimidate through these days.

Destroying the income they have will not help anyone leave sex work. 6 month prison sentences will not help anyone leave sex work, forced submission to the mental and emotional abuse that is all Ruhama ever offer will not help anyone leave sex work.

The same pattern is replicated over and over through the system with varying degrees of severity in every area where there is a potential for power and vulnerability. I did not have a way to touch on a thousandth part of the damage I am aware of, just the parts where I have the most knowledge and ammunition.

For many years in between I had to hide and avert my eyes from all the cruelty, ignorance and corruption I saw endemic to the system the first time around just to find a will to live. This second time around it is all far worse and more widespread, and the will to live is bleeding out of me fast. There is nowhere left I will ever feel safe, nothing I will ever be able to trust. There isn’t even a species I can identify with any more.

I am out of time and energy for building any kind of life even if I hadn’t sustained so much new damage. The balance is tipping to a place where the world around me disgusts me more than it can ever compensate for and every good thing looks like a potential target I cannot find a way to protect.

I told the truth, and only the truth, through all of this. I could not live with less.

“If you take a life, do you know what you’ll give, I’ll die, you won’t like what it is”

It seems inevitable that all of those working to discredit and harm me will be getting a golden opportunity to find out how true that is…I have no will left to fight for my own survival now.