My Confession

It stuns me to realise that that for a couple of years I have been turning myself inside out pandering to a toxic provincial hack for one very simple reason:

If I stop pandering to him *NASTY THINGS* start to happen to harm decent, innocent people, so I fell into the disastrous habit of burning myself up and wearing myself out trying to maneouver him into behaving himself.

At least since April I have managed to get away with blocking his emails and dodging a lot of toxicity. It’s all about attention *FOR HIM* anyway, and his egomanic fantasies and delusions are pretty easy to guess. But at the end of the day it is still about learned helplessness in the face of a bully – or, at any rate I hope it is, because I cannot do this any more and 7 days on he already publicly reprised one of the more unwholesome little games I caught him out at very recently.

He’ll escalate before he stops, but, in real terms how much power to harm people could someone that obviously unhinged really have?

I had to write this last night to relax and sleep, knowing I was not going to change my mind and get sucked in again…looking at it today I am all too aware what a complete fool I was to get sucked in at all. Blame it on the way I was raised, to play poker with monsters to protect my own life, until the system got hold of me and taught me to prioritise playing poker with monsters to protect the lives of vulnerable others…

I guess, in a way that has become the story of my life…but, at least, this chapter is now SO OVER and I have more time and energy for the bigger monsters with the real power.

The story didn’t end quite there…he didn’t like being ignored…so he targeted one of the most vulnerable people I know in a very cruel way calculated to rub their nose in pre-existing distress. The trouble is he targeted them in direct response to an email I had sent to a third party about the situation, and, in so doing finally joined the dots on another attention seeking exercise earlier this year that had even bewildered experts. He has been hacking my computer, for some time. Not as far fetched as it sounds when you realise his close association with an IT security expert.  Even so, I was skeptical, until I changed all my passwords and my connection suddenly went from very poor to very fast, at least for a couple of days.

Without naming him, I made this public…

My gut feeling is that, as it is all about bullying and control for him, he gave himself away deliberately…it was no fun hacking me if I wasn’t aware to be intimidated by it.

Somebody (who must have had reason to guess his identity) sent me a lot of information on this person, which has more value in terms of redressing the imbalance of power than anything else, because I would be very reluctant to use it. There are too many innocents in the mix and too much potential for the kind of collateral damage I could never forgive myself for.

I warned him that I had this – 28 minutes later this appeared in my inbox:

hacker

Again, I am fairly convinced he wanted me to know he already had my new password. Just as rape isn’t really about sex, his invasion of my privacy isn’t really about having the slightest interest in me, it is just about imposing abusive control.

In among the information sent to me is clear evidence that he is both crazier and more pathetic than I ever realised. I admit to being more than a little concerned about what he might do if he gets the feeling he has nothing to lose.

But most of all I am haunted by the fact that, somewhere out there, children are being raised in the same kind of mental and emotional hell I was raised in, and the knowledge that there is nothing at all I can do for them, except hope that something brings him to his senses, or stops him, before those children become adults who carry the same scars I do between them and any hope of a real life.

The only reason I was not aware of this all along was that I could not imagine anyone being able to live with the unhinged mental and emotional abuse that is his default with, not just me, but everyone I know, who ever dealt with him.

I wish I hadn’t been wrong about that.

 

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