Myth: I am Gone for Ever/Not Gone at All

See Also: Myth: Sex Worker of the Year


Trust me, whoever you are, you do not “get” me and you never will…and before you think that is some kind of quasi elitist put down, let me assure you, feelings are quite mutual there, I will never “get” you either, so we are quite equal in that.

I am not compatible with people, never have been, never will be.

When I came back into this issue in early 2011 I knew that as long as I stayed around I would be the object of derision, malice, fear, revulsion…any negative thing you can think of really, and if I had not known it, SWAI would soon have reminded me. If I could show you a video of my early dealings with SWAI you would not believe I ever managed to get this far without slugging someone (I am finding it hard to believe that myself.)

SWAI is just the new Ruhama, remember that, and whatever you do or say they will *never* regard, much less treat you as an equal human being, partly because that would defeat the whole point of their existence which is to derive status, influence, and, one day, funding by presenting you as incapable of self advocacy without their intervention…and if you think you are off the hook by not needing any advocacy today THINK AGAIN, because presenting you as perpetually incapable of functioning without some kind of advocacy is yet another pillar of their existence.

The rest of the reason why they will never regard you as an equal is the same old boring bigotry as everybody else.

On the plus side, if you are still young it will give you a battle to fight when you get to my age, and if you do, whatever is left of me will be with you all the way. I can’t even stand snobbery, and bigotry is just snobbery on the crack pipe.

Anyway, enough gossip, back to me. All these negatives do not come my way for any personal reason but because that is how the human tribe has been programmed to treat any outsider for thousands of years. The only thing I could do to stop it is to literally become someone else, less different. If that were possible (it isn’t) I wouldn’t do it, because I do not need to be around people enough to betray my entire personality and identity. In fact, I would question whether I really need to be around people at all, probably not…and you can be DARN sure they would rather not be around me, as soon as they see past whatever superficial appearance I think they will find most comfortable (I certainly was not put on this earth to creep people out just because they have to deal with me briefly!).

I am not totally cool with any of the above…far from it, but I have to accept it, and I do that by staying as far away from people as I can as much as I can. That way I get to pursue other interests and my nose doesn’t get rubbed in my complete alienation from my own species 24/7.

The past, 40 months I have been “living the nightmare”. Nobody has a clue (or cares less) how many risks I have taken, how much time I have put in, how much it has frightened and hurt me, always knowing that if I wanted to achieve anything at all I had better not expect to get any credit, for it.

I am not cool with that either, I would have loved some recognition. I would have loved to do TV…the only reason I have always point blank refused (this will piss Paul Reynolds off, one of my FAVOURITE things to do :o) ) is that I know my body language is totally out of whack and, as a result, it was impossible to predict the impact I would have had.

Doesn’t matter what I wanted, I knew and accepted that what I wanted was NOT GOING TO HAPPEN when I took this on.

I trained in PR and politics for this issue for years, there are many things I could do far better than anyone, and it GALLED me, constantly to be side-lined out of those things where I could have had serious impact. I knew about the back biting, the strategies…I knew who was out to shaft me, when, how hard, and usually why too.

Whatever I do I am always perceived to be a threat to somebody’s personal fiefdom, and the worst of it is they are not usually on the other side.

To me it is stone hammer mad to shaft someone in an area where they could be of use to an issue you have a vested interest in. For me, the only reason to take up this issue at all was, if not to win it, then to do as much damage as possible to slow down the loss. I have no vested personal ambitions, and I certainly did not want to make new friends, or “feel part of something”. If someone can do something better than I can WHEEL THEM IN – and we will discuss minor irrelevancies like “consent” afterwards. The “Nordic Model” kills people, in subtle ambivalent ways that can be dismissed, but it still kills them just as dead as a firing squad. If you don’t believe me go and ask Jasmine, but you will need an Ouija board, because the “Nordic Model” killed her already. With innocent lives on the line I am not prepared to faff about.

Of course, where I move heaven and earth to be of use to an issue, if it is important enough to engage with at all, it is far more normal to see what use an issue can be to you, and that attitude hogties everything. To give you an example, the Escort Ireland rep is so desperate to be accepted in pseudo academic NGO bunny circles that she does not give a flying fuck that just by saying something in public her ongoing affiliations invalidate it in an unacceptably far reaching way, and she does not have superhuman powers of overcoming that. 

I was scared to death every word I said would be invalidated when I found out (in early 2012) that the kid bro’ I have spoken to twice on the phone since 1989 is a UK crime boss – but at least I do not let him pay me a significant salary every month (trust me, you haven’t LIVED until you have had to lie awake in bed at night contemplating the possibility that the “Turn Off the Red Light” propaganda machine might kick off a campaign that suggests you are functioning under the control of your *fat, four-eyed kid brother* – I WOULD JUST DIE ON THE SPOT!)!

There is literally no way to impose control upon me, benign or otherwise. It has been tried by experts (who would usually prefer not to be reminded of the outcome).

Though FULL MARKS for trying have to go to the little cadre of individuals (for want of a better word) who thought artificially generating the “one great love” so noticeably lacking from my life would get them somewhere. Who knows, if they had been aware of my lifelong aversion to adultery (a huge factor in my Grandmother’s suicide) AND bothered to check the “best before” date on the honeytrap it might even have worked? (I suspect they would prefer not to be reminded of the outcome either?)

At least nobody ever got disrespectful enough to try bribery or intimidation. This is not bravado, it goes without saying, I am woman, ergo I shop, money has TREMENDOUS appeal for me, and I am a terrible coward, I am just more afraid of my own hyperactive conscience than anything else I can think of…you would be too if you had to live with it inside *your* head.

In case you have noticed too, dropping out of public view does place me at far more significant danger from the spite of the DUP  in combination with the more insidious malice of “Turn Off the Red Light” , but there has come a point where it isn’t worth it any more.

Of course, nobody has to care what happens to me, how unfair it is, or how badly it might affect me, but I am a little gobsmacked that the bar on stupidity should drop so low as to fail to use those things against the perpetrators! In my humble opinion that is taking xenophobia and scapegoating a little bit too far.

Stormont and “Turn Off the Red Light” do not differentiate between me and thee, so that, in their minds, when you raise no objection to something being done to me you imply permission and set precedent to do the same thing to you. Are you SURE that was quite the effect you were aiming for?

Of course, you always had me to lock, load and yell: “SO NOT FUCKING ON!!” whatever I thought of you personally (even however badly I owed you a clip round the ears) but no pain no gain, you wanted rid, you are rid, but everything has a price…

If anyone is considering doing me any real harm (as I am certain many would REALLY LOVE TO – if they thought they could get away with it) just be aware I have a few surprises in store, and am fully committed to the belief that St Peter has just as much right to hear BOTH sides of the story as anyone else in these matters. *winks*

Bring it on if you must – but on your own head be it.

Anyway, I hung on in there somehow, however much it hurt, and it hurts like hell to get your nose rubbed in it that you don’t qualify as human 24/7 even if you are getting shafted by both sides for distraction.

What, naturally, happens around me in a group of people is terrifying to watch, online or off, and I was told that before I realised it myself. Deflecting that alone is tremendous stress.

I have been breaking down completely several times a year. I think what pisses people off more than anything else is that I *AM* human, I *DO* break, and when I do I am not ashamed to cry out loud…but I STILL don’t submit to whatever they would like me to submit to (unless what they would like me to submit to is the best right course of action, for the greater general good, in which case it is not necessary to break me down at all – just mention it in passing and I am on it – funny how rarely that happens :o) )

Anyone want to refer to me as a nutcase? BE MY GUEST. If I wasn’t at LEAST half crazy after some of the sick, twisted, corrupt things I have seen in this consultation alone I would need to be some kind if monster.

For instance, it is supposed to drive you clean out of your mind, all by itself, to watch someone you know has already facilitated one significant and sadistic paedophile get boosted to the top rank in child protection, without any help from all the other similarly glorious examples of human behaviour it has been my privilege to witness throughout my life.

Is it even likely that I would take all the risks I have, and put in all the work I have, and take all the abuse I have, for an issue that will never benefit me directly or indirectly in the smallest way if I still had all my marbles?


Anyway, two things happened this week. The first thing that happened was that the French Senate rejected the sex buyer clause in proposed legislation. I don’t know why everyone is ignoring that, because the day before it happened the French Senate was a foregone conclusion, a rubberstamp, for the Nordic Model.

If Canada also falls victim to common sense, and the new Norwegian Government makes good on their promise to overturn “Swedish Model” type legislation, what we saw in the French Senate was the tide turning…

Just in time for Jasmine’s anniversary too. I am guessing now, but that decision must have come round about the anniversary of day she knew for certain when she was going to finally see her little boy again.

Politics has nothing to do with right and wrong, it is a vehicle for wherever you can find a way to drive it to, against whatever opposition you have. With the sex buyer clause revoked the proposed French legislation is suddenly as close to a dream come true as any law could reasonably be, full decriminalisation *AND* exit resources, which *are* needed, because when circumstances corner you into sex work those circumstances have a tendency to stick around, independent of insane sex buyer laws, or full decriminalisation. Those same circumstances are failings in our society (usually the “civil society” aspect) that need to be addressed.

Are you beginning to get the picture of why “civil society” orgs are so eager to hand off the blame to a combination of fictional pimps (even Jack the Ripper’s victims did not have pimps) and “sex buyers” as though the latter are in the habit of knocking on front doors and forcing the female occupant to sell them sex?

Addressing the problems in our society that corner people into sex work has tremendous knock on effects for the rest of society. Sex workers are not the only people affected by those problem, but they tend to be the most self reliant, and self aware – the most likely to make full good use of REAL, relevant exit resources.

Sex workers are also the first to rebel and reject the modern day laundry/Radfem cult options being presented by “Ruhama” in the south and in even worse form by various affiliates of “Care” in the North, who’s main “sales pitch” seems to consist in presenting sex workers as likely to resort to trafficking in drugs when sex buyer laws destroy their livelihood. Which is such bullshit I don’t even know how to start refuting it.

Sex workers do have abstract opinions you know, and in my experience tend to be more actively and informedly anti drugs than any other group of people I can think of offhand.

Reluctant sex workers make the best possible pilot group for any project that make a real attempt address any problem relevant to their own lives. Before that can happen you have to stop treating them like shit and dumb animals in equal measure, make some apologies and build some bridges.

If you hold any position of authority you need to recognise that where there is a reluctant, survival sex worker there is also likely to be a fellow human being and equal that you, or those you represent, have already fucked over badly at least once. You are unlikely to have any credibility with a reluctant survival sex worker until you make some significant changes in your outlook and start to EARN some.

Nobody likes the Nordic Model except for a very powerful and noisy, but minority, radfem lobby firing on moral panic that politicians are too afraid to challenge openly today. But most of that lobby will grow up and grow out of it all in the next 5 to 10 years and regard it as an embarrassing phase in a mildly misspent youth, and politicians are as fully aware of that as I am.

Let me tell you about one of the truly hottest things I ever saw a man do. For some reason I used watch a lot of pool way back when. We were in a quiet pub in the West, and one of the locals who didn’t seem very bright had no-one to play pool with him. My partner obliged.

I watched in amazement as he lost a couple of games so skilfully hardly anyone could spot it, much less the man he was playing against. When he came back to his pint I whispered to him:

“You are SERIOUSLY good”

…and he whispered back:

“I know…anyone can win, but that took real skill…and well worth it, look how made up he is about it.”

How this frame ends, internationally, remains to be seen, it could go either way, but, at this point the outcome has already been predetermined beyond challenge and I cannot see anything left for me to do now.

So my obligation is at an end.

The second thing is that the camel’s back broke today, over something relatively small and insignificant. I am at a point where I really cannot go on playing along, biting down all the personal pain and resentment, because all the while this has been going on, I am still a human being in my spare time.

To do the right thing I have had to stick around and give it all I have despite knowing full well that literally nobody really wanted me around, and that hurt like hell, all day, every day.

There is a Kafkaesque double standard at play in the way that I am treated by comparison with anyone else and, worse, I am aware of that.

I have done ridiculously well to hold it this long, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I am exhausted with just pretending I don’t mind. Especially now there is nothing left to pretend for..

So I am gone for ever this time…

…unless you are fermenting a despicable little plan to sacrifice innocent people to personal gain and I hear about it, in which case, that thing that lands on your back and sinks it’s teeth into your left ear?

Probably me.


PS. The above is very real, final and practically irrevocable…and then the unbearable happened and I had to come back for a few days to rub some noses in it. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that the only thing that stands between any gloating, lying, self serving abolitionist and cold-bloodedly executing defenceless women is the fact that, in our society, they would not get away with it. It is proven beyond doubt that they have no concern whatsoever for the harm they do to sex workers and their families in the real world.







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