This is just for two people…and excuse me Mr Robin Williams, but one of them is you.
Are you sure?
Yep, that’s right, you FORGOT TO WRITE THE NOTE…
Too late now, you have everybody up in multilateral arms while you have an urgent appointment to push up daisies…
…nice timing…maybe don’t use that gag again?
We are supposed to say life is always worth living, aren’t we?
We are supposed to force other people to stay alive when they would rather go – and actually find the nuts to do something about it.
Perhaps if Mr Williams had spared a few moments of his valuable time to use his wit and intelligence to explain we might be just a tiny bit wiser now…
…but he didn’t, so I am going to do the best I can
People have a right to die, and sometimes that is the best course for them, but on the flip side I have never met one single human being who was fit to be trusted to decide whether someone else should die or not.
So it becomes a wirewalk.
My life has probably never been worth living. I had actually died twice before I was 20 and I honestly curse whoever dragged me back. My reasons were good and they didn’t improve since. The only thing keeping me alive is the fear of actually going through with it, leaving me in a terrible limbo.
I am not in any great pain, but I am not really alive and there is no hope of that getting better…and the worst is I am intelligent enough to know that, and too Autistic to be able to deny what I know to myself.
All the so-called help for “people like me” amounts to the useless and abusive crap that tends to fill the void when people have no real answers. I cannot afford to take that kind of damage, on top of everything else.
If I had a euro for every kind of “help” I have seen offered by someone who belongs in jail for abuse…well let us say it would cheer me up for quite a while.
If you are interested, I went into a lot of reasons why that is the case here and here it didn’t change since I and haven’t even had an afternoon off so why re-write it all in slightly different words?
It is what it is, just one of those things. What I need is counselling to help me overcome my fear and get it over with before I lose the only person who can be my link with the world to old age, or lose too much of my own health to be able to isolate for the same reason.
You do not HAVE any help for me…that is not your fault, but it isn’t my fault either, and I do not owe it to you to play along with abuse and damage to make you feel better.
I do not want my life to be this way, I never did, but there is no way to fix it, and I have to live with that, which hurts too much already without feeling obliged to pretend that is not the case because other people are not comfortable with it.
In the UK I would not be offered the means for any tolerable survival options. They do not put it this way, but under it all, like the Nazi Aktion T4 they are trying to cull people like me as the dead wood we actually are (why lie about it? It is a bit obvious IMHO). The only problem I have with that is that they are trying to torture us into suicide to show clean hands instead of making it easy on us.
My life is about killing time while I wait in fear for someone to make my continued survival impossible pushing me off a sudden cliff in pain and terror. It might come tomorrow, or it might not come for 20 years. It probably will not even be personal. One of the ways I kill time is to fight the nasty little “get rich quick” schemes that are going to push other people’s lives of the same kind of cliff without a moment’s care. Because that makes me feel a little better.
I may be unusual but I am far from unique.
But here is the thing…the very laws that would make a welcome, merciful death easy on people like me would, with certainty, open the gateway to abuse to murder people who are *NOT* better off dead.
Both sides have equal rights and claims on Justice in this…
So it is a wire walk, and if I knew the right answer I would just pop it on twitter in a few words instead of bothering you to read this.
As far as I can see Robin Williams just found a moment when he stopped feeling the fear and the jump was easy and seized it with both hands…
…maybe one day I will be so lucky and the nightmare will be over for me too.